Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Shoe obsession disorder...

Contrary to popular belief, Cinderella's stepsisters were not
desperate for Prince Charming -- they were desperate for her glass slipper.
Unlike shopping for jeans (which is about as much fun as going to the
gynecologist), shopping for shoes is an exhilarating experience. Feet
don't have hips, feet don't have thighs. After all, feet are "our
And what's better than shopping for shoes? Shopping for shoes on sale!
Nothing can compare to crossing the threshold of a shoe store or the
shoe section of a department store and seeing signs of 20, 30, 40 or 50
percent off original price.
It's useless to fight it.
Once inside the compound, women wander aimlessly. Loyal husbands and
boyfriends sit like gargoyles and loyally guard coveted pyramids of
shoeboxes piled high in their laps. The call to shop is even more powerful
when you see a shoe department that looks like the aftermath of a war --
mismatched shoes, smashed shoeboxes and crumpled disposable foot stockings
abandoned in empty chairs and strewn over the floor. For an area to look
like this, the sale has to be extraordinary. It wouldn't be surprising to
learn store employees actually fly through the store knocking down boxes
and hiding the mates of shoes because they know the effect it has on
serious shoe shoppers.
All the shoes look perfect when they're on sale. Even
psychedelic-patterned, neon-colored, five-inch stack heel misfits look
promising when they're 50 percent off.
"Hey, I bet I could wear these with black!" Or worse, you decide to
buy an outfit just to go with some bargain you can't pass up, which cancels
any benefit of the shoes being so cheap. Just open any woman's closet, and
you'll find a shoe "Hall of Fame" -- an entire Smithsonian of shoes only
worn once in a while, or only once.
Occasionally, however, you spot it. Perched on a pedestal, high above
the others, is the perfect shoe, illuminating the whole area like the North
Making your way toward the "shoe promised land" you hear a choir of
angels and euphorically glide to the nearest sales person, shoe in hand.
Snap out of it! The chance of the store having the perfect shoes at the
perfect price in the perfect size is about as likely as Amelda Marcos
donating her shoes to Goodwill. What were you thinking?
In cases like this, women have been known to buy the "perfect" shoes a
complete size smaller than needed. Like Cinderella's stepsisters when they
tried on the glass slipper, women with distorted looks on their faces
hobble back and forth in front of mirrors, but nine times out of 10 they'll
compromise comfort for cute. Other than having to tolerate a few cramps,
swelling and the sensation of prickling needles from the lack of blood
flow, having the envy of every woman you know because the shoes are "so
cute!" overshadows any excruciating pain. But women do have limits.
No woman would buy shoes a whole size too large. No matter the shoes,
women are not willing to sacrifice style for everyone thinking she has big
feet -- unless she's a size 5.
However, there's good news. Whether you wear a size 5 or a size 10,
it's guaranteed that at least one supermodel or other famous diva wears the
same shoe size as you. In fact, the odds are overwhelming that many
drop-dead gorgeous, "Women love to hate me," celebrities share your exact
shoe size. You can say that you wear the same size as Cindy Crawford, and
you would actually be telling the truth.
And if the store has the perfect shoe at the perfect price as well as
in the perfect size, women are willing to knock over senior citizens and
defenseless children to get them. Furthermore, senior citizens are just as
likely to knock over defenseless children or anyone else in their path for
the same reason.
Shoe obsession disorder is no respecter of age or infirmity.
Even the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz was probably a loving,
beautiful woman until her obsession with Dorothy's shoes took its toll.
The glistening ruby red pumps were the envy of Oz and the last pair in
town! No doubt the Witch was simply sick over those shoes and positively
green with envy.
Even little girls are struck by this obsession over shoes in
Kindergarten or before. Just think about their Barbie doll accessories.
She has more shoes than any other article of clothing. And how many
"practical" pairs of shoes does Barbie own? None! She only owns wild
colors and styles because, they too, were probably on sale.
-- Kathy Gibson

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